Time For A Change

I know my misery is self-inflicted. I would hazard to guess that many people's are as well.
The more I think about it, the more I realise how stupid I am. Constantly, I'm prioritising others ahead of myself. I don't know why I thought I needed to shoulder everyone's problems and try to solve them.

What's worse is I've always known this.

In trying to ensure I do no wrong, by anyone, I have neglected myself. I have been, purposefully or unwittingly, ignorant to the damage I've caused when I put my life, my dreams, my passions on hold. Don't I sound jaded for a 21 year old.

The worst part is, because I've always taken every caution to not upset anyone, it's just expected that I will bend to the will of those around me. Even though this is not a normal thing to do, people unconsciously expect it from me. Even if it's something that any normal person wouldn't do, if I don't do it, the disappointment is almost palpable.

And you bet, in the end I'll be the one I'll be the one who comes out worse for wear.

'God' from one episode of futurama sums it up nicely:
"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."

So the best way to describe it succinctly is that I have unrealistic expectations placed upon me, which dictate my life and which were borne from my own naïveté.

The point I'm trying to make is, I need to do things that will make me happy for once. Instead of always thinking that my happiness will stem from pleasing others. I will endeavour to try to focus on what I want, and to not make excuses or feel guilty for doing so.

Apologies if I went in circles, it's been a long time since I've written a stream of consciousness.


Love Lisa.

PS. On a less serious note, my blog requires a serious aesthetic overhaul, 'time for a change', right?