How Did I Get Here

What happened to me?

Last night I picked up the book, Into Thin Air, that I had started whilst in Nepal, i.e. around mid January (and have neglected since then) and finally finished it. It took barely any time and it made me sad. Both the actual contents of the book and my recently reoccurring realisation (alliteration eyy) that I really haven't spent time doing the things I love. Reading has been one of my favourite past times since primary school, but the past few years, I've read so so very few books that I could count them on one hand.

And what has stopped me? I could say oh I've been busy, I've had classes, I've had work etc. But reading actually calms me and makes me happy, I could have easily found time to read at least a few books in one year. Yet I haven't.

The last time I picked up my camera and took photos that actually made me happy was at the Andy Warhol x Ai Wei Wei exhibition. Prior to that, I can't remember when I took photos for leisure.
I used to be able to find beauty in a drop of water on a clothes line, in a rusty old coin, in a shadow cast by lace curtains, but where has any of my inspiration gone?

I have failed to see how unhappy I've made myself over the past few years, especially since starting dentistry. Not that dentistry itself is my source of unhappiness, but the fact that I've put my energy into the wrong things. I feel I've wasted precious time, that I'm never going to get back.

So I must turnover a new leaf. No one can change these things but me. The first step is that I've finally made this realisation. Feeling sad is only squandering more time.

Be pro-active, you only have one life.

I've already bought a new book, which will hopefully arrive soon and I'm listening to the audiobook, A Short History On Everything, and it is absolutely fantastic! I've pulled out my old library card, and I've already reserved 3 books (who can afford to buy so many after all).

I feel good. Less negative posts to come. Watch this space.

Love Lisa.

Passion?

I've recently re-discovered my love of physics and cosmology.
And this discovery has left me a little confused and sad.
I'm second-guessing myself constantly as to whether dentistry for the rest of my life is truly viable.
Maybe it's because I feel so incompetent at the moment and this is why I'm having doubts.

On the other hand, I truly do have an interest in physics. Learning it in high school was the opposite of a chore, I couldn't put textbooks down. The concept of special relativity still makes me catch my breath (very dramatic but I'm a geek at heart after all). But I suppose how could I ever make a career out of it? Yes, I have a keen interest but I'm no scientist, trying to understand equations is mind-boggling enough for me, let alone actually discovering anything of value.

I think I feel sad because I don't think I'm capable of mastering anything. But have I put 10,000 hours into anything in my life? I tried very hard at learning to play the piano, spent nearly 10 years trying. Sure, I progressed, but the struggle was almost unnatural.

I've always been a fairly slow learner but I genuinely feel that I'm getting slower. And perhaps it's not unreasonable considering that at age 23, my mental capacity has actually peaked and passed. I'm not making the most of the best years of my life. Not at all.

Now that's a depressing and terrifying thought.

Let's sleep on it so I can have another restless night,

Love Lisa.

I'm Starting To Think I Have A Problem

I need to learn to not get so emotional, otherwise I don't think I'm going to deal with life very well.

I went out with the domiciliary care dentists the other week and the number of times I had to fight down my tears. It doesn't even make sense sometimes why I feel upset. Just the notion of someone living in a aged care facility can leave me a blubbering mess, when realistically they may be better off being there.

I met a loving husband who visits his incapacitated wife from 9-5 every day, and has done so for 3 years ever since her brain injury...and my heart breaks. I see the photos on the walls of her small room of her and her family before the incident and I feel myself choking up.

There must be something wrong with me, I don't think this can be normal or healthy for me.

Love Lisa.

I Know I Know

Its been so long blah blah blah..

I am the purveyor of my own misery.

I know these posts are so rarely positive. Who have I become? Or have I never changed?

When did I start this blog, say, 7-8 years ago? That is insane.
I sit here and I'm having not-quite-quarter-life crisis. What have I achieved in 8 years?
I mean truly achieved on a personal level, yes I graduated high school, graduated university, got into dentistry, which I'll be graduating from next year..and I was so proud of all of these things. Yet right in this moment, I have this horrifying feeling that it's all been for nothing. And I hate feeling this way.

From an outside perspective, I know so many people think my life is picture perfect.
I am ever so skilled on putting on a charade, sometimes I even fool myself.
But nothing is as it seems.

The problem is there's always something I have to do. I just spent the last 2 hours sending emails and doing admin work. I think that's something new this year that is really draining the life out of me.

Sorry for all the rhetorical questions and negativity.
I think I need to clear my mind and reset...but until I find that time, wish me luck...

Love Lisa.

Namaste

How has it been nearly a month since I returned from Nepal.

I should have written a diary because so much and so little happened. My memory is so terrible these days, is it age, is it the sleep deprivation, is it stress? Most likely a combination of all three.

Volunteering was an experience like no other. It definitely opened my eyes to a whole new world.
Besides the 6 of us from Melbourne, the other students were from Griffith University. And they were all so so lovely. We became so close on that trip, that parting with them and realising they'd be in Queensland was almost hard to accept.

Nepalese people are so welcoming and beautiful, especially the children.
Can I say how much of a fan of Nepalese food I am? MoMos and celebration bread come at me.
Besides treating patients (which was so intense I could spend an hour talking about it), Around Good People organised some more touristy/sight seeing activities as well. We rode elephants, went on a safari trek and canoed.

Here is my video compilation. It was my first ever attempt at making a video so please forgive the quality of footage and editing.



Not everything was sunshine and goats. I did get quite ill for 48 hours or so. Still not sure whether it was food poisoning, gastro or what. It wasn't pretty.

Right before leaving for the trip I had so many doubts in my mind. But all my fears were misplaced. For anyone thinking about volunteering, do it. Especially if you are working in a health profession in the future. Don't be scared.

The only problem returning to Australia was that I felt really disillusioned. I'm not sure what it was exactly, but how developed and modern our country was felt so fake and all my problems seemed meaningless.

It's hard to explain, but overall it was a very humbling and worthwhile experience.

Love Lisa.

Merry Christmas

Dear Readers,

It's that time of year again!
Hope everyone has been having a magical holiday season.

Now what has been going on the past few months..

I finished my exams, it was a hellish time but I made it through. Though next year I want to do better. I don't want to just get by anymore, I want to put in more work and make myself really proud of my results. My mark for clinic was actually quite decent and considering we have 3-4 clinics a week next year perhaps I will do better.

I went to Sydney for a 24hour trip to attend the ADSA Uni Reps meeting. But lucky me, my flight to Sydney was cancelled an hour before departure due to 'engineering', next flight I managed to get on was almost 5 hours later..Sydney itself was lovely but much too rushed, I caught up with my Auntie who I have not seen in many years.

The day after I was back from Sydney I was off to Thailand with Jess. A much needed break from work and all that but after a while the sun, heat and humidity were too much and I desperately missed Melbourne and everyone back home.

After getting back from Thailand I went to Tracey's graduation, and then it was straight back into work. And look I guess the store I worked in last year really was not doing well because this year was insanely busy. Never in my life have I felt so stressed serving non-stop customers for hours on end. And not being able to take a break for 6 or more hours. Not fun at all.

But look it was my decision to buy a car at the start of the year and with a car comes so many costs. Had to service it the other day, then the registration and insurance bills came in..will come to around $2000. Have I even made that much these holidays? I don't think I have. But I'll make do and I'm proud to be able to pay for things myself.

Until my next post..all the best!

Love Lisa.

Halfway (not really) there

Two exams down in the first day of the exam period. Both worth 60% each, how did I do? I'm not sure, I'm fairly certain I passed *knock on wood* but I miss actually excelling academically.

I know boo hoo, right?

I take pride in my achievements and I still work very hard in dentistry, I just feel like the way I studied this year has been very time consuming but ineffective. On the other hand, next year we have far more clinic sessions than actual lectures so it's time to step up my clinical skills.

Two more written exams to go this week and one oral exam next week eep!

Love Lisa.